SPT: The Child I Didn't Bear

One day shy of five years ago, I had an abortion. I was seventeen years old and a senior in high school.

As soon as I began to suspect I was pregnant, I knew I did not want to continue the pregnancy. That surprised me somewhat as I had always felt vaguely anti-abortion, and had always wanted to be a mother.

But I decided to terminate the pregnancy. I told no one other than my boyfriend that I was pregnant. After I had the procedure done, I felt so relieved.

Apparently a lot of women can have an abortion and not feel any long-lasting emotional effects. I am not one of them. A few months after the abortion, in the dark of January, I was hit with grief and remorse. I mourned hard for months, for years even. The medical community does not recognize Post Abortion Stress Syndrome as a real disorder, and the pro-choice movement says it is something made up by the anti-abortion side, but I experienced it all the same. I found an online support group and just realizing that so many other people had the same conflicting mess of feelings and thoughts that I did lightened my mind a lot. I began to be able to process all that I'd gone through.

I went to the clinic and got copies of the ultrasound pictured in my self-portrait during the nadir of that stretch of time. I don't know how much they helped me if at all, but I am glad I got them.

With the maturity and wisdom that five years has brought, I know that having an abortion was the best choice at the time. I do not regret the decision I made, though I do regret carelessly getting pregnant. I still think sometimes about the child I didn't have, but not with the frequency and pain that I used to. It breaks my heart to think about how sad I was. For two years I was a walking wound. But time heals and becoming a mother has soothed the part of my soul that longed to be one after coming so close and turning away from it.

I have kept this a secret because of the strong negative feelings some people have about abortion. I try to live my life free from concern about what others think about me, but this is something I am sensitive about. It weighs kind of heavily on me that there are people out there who would call me a murderer, and, cowardly though it may be, I want to avoid that hatred being aimed in my direction.

It also upsets me that there are people actively trying to take away women's right to make this decision. And so I have added my name to Ms. Magazine's petition: We Had Abortions, giving up a little bit of secrecy in the name of freedom.

More self portraits can be found at Self Portrait Tuesday.